And so, a year of changes brings about changes

I thought this would be a very different year for me, when it began, I TRULY thought I could take control of my crazy life... Thing is, something slipped past me and now I'm in control of a mad roller coaster xD, which isn't exactly bad, but it isn't exactly 'being in control' if you understand what I mean... Thus, we come to this pivotal point in my life: What happened 4 years ago must once more happen -.- I'm going back to med school, after four years of pure failure in Architecture (not because of the artistic, but because of something more sublime). Oh well, what can I do but leave with a smile and a trace of win behind me...? I sure will pass one of my classes (at least) and it's not the one anyone would expect me to ace, considering it's math related and such... xD Oh well, that's life in there...

As for everything else... I fell for this cute guy, he's like, too perfect to be true... but he's not interested in me... as always >.<>.> ) no more following a bunch of logic for me, I definitely fail at that... thus, I go with what my instincts tell me: I'm comfy alone :D

As for the career change... bad memories surround those days, when I dreamt I could be happy... oh the fallacy of being with someone who likes you back... -insert dramatic eye roll- Oh well, what to do but look forward and burn the past (a little more literally than I'd like to admit >=D ). I'd like to surround this time with happy stuff, but life continues to make that impossible... x.x have to hate being crazy at times...

:p enough ranting for a year, I guess. :p BYE? I dunno, I know one thing though, I might not write for a while unless I re-harness my inspiration (which seems to be out of this planet)

Two sides: Prologue

This is a short story I wrote at college one day... I was inspired and wrote that... BTW, it's just a prologue to a longer, on a rather sadder tone, weird story. I'm posting this one 'cuz so far it's the only part I'm comfortable with, as I get more comfortable with the way things have happened in this little piece of heaven, I'll post it... :3 ENJOY :3

There he lay, a head in his arms embraced, out of breath, as pleasure ran through his body, his muscles contracting with each wave, jolt of pleasure, that seemed to course his veins. Only when the head in his arms jerked did he regain a semblance of thought, his bedazzled state slowly fading into something akin to the pleasure in memories. “How did it feel?” He was asked by a low, tender, slightly hoarse voice; “Liked it?” He was further questioned. His thoughts were still clouded by overwhelming pleasure, too dazed to think, let alone talk. He heard the same tender voice, now less hoarse, reply with something to his noncommittal grunt, a former attempt to reply with words before the hands on his back traced light circles, ghosted pleasurably along the contours of his body. He let himself wander off into the tenderness of the moment, not wanting the ghosting to end; all he could muster in reply to the caresses he received were slow, uneven gasps into his lover’s ear. Time seemed to stop whenever his lover’s hands moved, and for him, the moment seemed to extend endlessly…
He didn’t know whether seconds or decades had passed when the hands stopped moving. For him, it had been timeless, yet the sudden stop in the caresses was like a bucket of cold water had been dropped over him. “Wow” was his only word as he fixed his eyes into the emerald greens before him. “Good morning sleepy head” a soft chuckle escaped the lips he so wanted to ravish; “So, did you make it to seventh heaven?” From tender to naughty in a split second the voice he loved had changed. “I’m inaugurating ninth heaven” he managed to reply, breaking free from his embrace to rest on his elbows, a lot clearer his head, a lot freer his body from the previous pleasure. His loved one’s soft chuckles welcomed his remark; “I suppose that makes me a host” the young man in his arms replied, leaning over into a slow kiss. “You could be my guest of honor” he replied, smiling into the kiss he had received as a reply. “I love you Marc” his lover said into their kiss, their lips working at an ever-growing pace. “I love you too Dennis” Marc said as his lips got hold of Dennis’s lower lip, softly sucking, softly nibbling at it…
Their lips worked faster with each soft kiss, each small smile that was promptly replaced, overcome by yet another kiss. Marc’s hands shot up to envelop Dennis’s face as his eyes closed, his lips no longer working slowly on Dennis’s, instead ravishing each other as the distance between them closed. Dennis’s palms pressed firmly against Marc’s shoulder blades, their chests expanding against each other, their hearts beating rapidly against each other’s. Marc’s hand began a slow tracing along Dennis’s face, going down his neck, stopping over his chest, a half caress, half message to stop. “I think we’re going too fast” Marc said as Dennis gave him a moment’s breath, “I don’t want this to end before it begins” he said, pressing his forehead to Dennis in an attempt to contain his urges to ravish the young man he loved. “I’m okay with it if you’re okay with it” Dennis said, not as excited as his lover was. “Thanks for understanding” Marc said as he got off of Dennis and sat up on the couch they had been making out on. Dennis propped himself up to hug Marc’s waist, resting his head against Marc’s side. “I love you Marc” Dennis said, softly, as he hugged his boyfriend tightly, “You’re a wonderful guy”, he added in a whisper, a smile pressing softly against Marc’s side. “I love you too Dennis” Marc said, resting his hand on Dennis’s head as he tried to once more watch the movie they had originally intended to watch…


BTW, so far, this has two main possible outcomes: It's either a memory of a couple's youth, or an 'isolated event' in a 'real time' relationship. Both options are still open, and for now I'm writing the memory style, I'll write the isolated event sometime later, when I'm done with the tidal-wave-like turn of events my 'memory' has taken...

A break from the usual posts

SOOOOOO... yeah, this is not your usual rant/deep post, but rather a resume of my doings and undoings...

Basically: Bleh, been doing homework nonstop, fear I might fail a class if I don't tap into my full potential, and fear I might lose my sanity without the wolf. On another topic, I'm rather random lately, bursts of happiness invade me, and for some awkward yet adorably lasting reason, I am losing myself to my new friends. I dunno what's right nor wrong anymore, and that's that.

Anything else? I miss some people I used to talk to (Wallace, Shibu, Mr. Big Wolf, Jul) and more than anything I miss my play time...

Reckless as this post: I'm bored... xD

So yeah, that was your break from me ranting all day nonstop, get ready for next time, because there's a huge rant incoming! :D

Continuing previous post

:3 so... as I said, I was playing hooky on people and stuff previously, and guess what, it DID blow up in my face...

I LITERALLY SKIPPED a whole term >.> and I was just trying to have a little fun... but NOOOO, <.<>.<>.> )
Taking Classes (so far only a single class has been skipped :3 and that's amazing if you ask me :3 )
'Writing' some fiction (I'm trying to get that up to date too, but it's kind of difficult with my schedule and the amount of homework xD )
Trying not to whine about everything (failure)
Playing some OTHER video-games that do not involve addictive ONLINE interaction >.>
Finally getting to beat some of the DS games I've been itching to play :3
Finding out my fave manga is finally complete and now I have to wait 'till I'm somehow loose on classes to read it (I also have to fix my desktop >.> )
Wrapping it all, I'm back to the busy life of 'human, normal, non-crazy' people >.>
Oh, I also had 2 Appointments with my psych, she said I had worsened instead of improved... :3
AND finally, I started a diet, I'm losing weight like mad :3 It's just me getting a little less homework so I start gym :3

Luvles guys and girls, I hope to see you sometime soon :3

Oh, I also had a med-change... xD back to the morning-evening pills and a new one to quiet the voice you so love... Yeah, no wolf for now xD

Once more, LOVE you all :3 and love you too Blog :3

What have I done...?

No, not another whining post... xD This one's just an update to what I've been doing lately:

Playing online, skipping classes and lying to people I shouldn't lie...

xD And I haven't been to my psych yet, so I guess I can pull this off for a few months more before it gets out of hand and blows in my face xD.

Peace? :3

What I've been up to...

Well... let's see, I STILL haven't touched my plans, I lied to my psych about that, I watched Gravitation entirely in an evening (LOVED it... :3 ) and I definitely decided I'm not going to do much about my project... I'll fail this class... xD

I also discovered a few fun things about life these days, one of them: enjoy what you have as long as you have it :3.

Uh... I've been roaming Youtube in search of a song suitable of you, my dear readers (few, I guess...) but I just can't decide WHICH does more justice to Gravitation, so I'm going to post the three of them if I find a way to do so... Yeah, I'll just order them the next way:


So... This is the protagonist's (Shindo Shuichi) first song. It's amazing. After all, even though it IS a shounen ai, the anime IS a BAND Anime... there's gotta be some music there, ne?


This is the first time Shindo sang, of course this AMV is about Shindo's Idol, so you won't hear Rage Beat again, but instead, you'll listen to Sleepless Beauty. Mind you, If you think Rage Beat has anything to it, then Sleepless Beauty will rock you off your feet. Sakuma Ryuichi sure is great :3


This is another one of Sakuma Ryuichi's songs, in other words, Shindo's idol. This time it's Nittle Grasper singing this song. Sakuma-san is Nittle Grasper's Vocalist, and this song is from the OVA. I simply loved it :3

Basically, I broke my head figuring out how to work these vids, so you better enjoy 'em... :3 I love this anime. BTW, Gravitation, nor this Videos/AMV's, belong to the Autor of this blog, he simply wanted to share 'em on his blog for everyone's pleasure. And no, I'm not earning a coin off this :3 HONEST.

Then, on with the second part of my blog... So here I am, basically screwing my brain in place to try and get something done... I just don't have the slightest idea of what something is... -_-;;
Yeah, I'll so have a tough yelling at me next appointment with my psych... But well, who said being a Borderline's easy? xD I better just shut up... :3

ANYWAYS, say something blog... I'm drained... :3

Love to all who read this far... <.<

And now this...

You must be tired of me dumping everything I feel on you, dear blog... well, there's so much more to say today...

But I just wanted to say I am sorry if I made you uncomfortable with my stupid arguments and stuff... it's just, you're the only one left to listen to my angst, my ex-best friend's only good at releasing her own angst, and listening to everyone's but mine... my best friend is in a lot of crap and I'd rather not dump any more on her, and my new friend is just pointlessly idiotic, making her not a good choice to talk to...
I'm tired, I haven't slept well for nearly a month now, and I haven't done zip of the homework I'm doing since TUESDAY. <.< I so wanted to flunk this class when dad postponed beyond belief my meds, and to top it, I'm coinless, meaning I can't go out and just forget about my problems with my best friend, drink two beers and dance all night long... I'm broke, tired, depressed, pressured by tons of people, and to top it, I have to see my psychiatrist, and she's going to yell at me when she sees the hell of a mess I've left myself become just because of my overdependance on medications...
I'm tired, and it's not easy for me to think clearly right now, thus why I'm writing here instead of just lying on my bed with a bottle of alcohol and some crappy poison... xD I know, that's not thinking clearly, but it's certainly more alluring than staying awake to finish something I have no reason to finish...
I'm tired of the universe being nice to me just because I'm someone important's son, someone's friend, or someone's grandson. I'm tired of this stupid hypocrisy and my hypocritical friends and family and everything. I'm tired of people not understanding I DON'T want a chance...
If I wanna let go, they pressure me into going on; if, on the other hand I make an effort to go on, they pressure me to let go... No one understands the phrase: LEAVE ME ALONE! Gosh... it's like they're deaf... I keep telling them I don't want counsels, but someone to listen and understand. I'm tired of being asked 'what happens?' and 'can I help you? come on, you can trust me' just to get back a lot of 'that's not so big, you're just wallowing out of desire to wallow' or 'come on, you're stronger than that...'
I don't understand how I'm alive with the surroundings I've had for all my life, but I certainly believe I'm lucky I'm socially inept and totally oblivious to people's meanings, because had I been as keen when I was 13 as I am now, I would have thought twice on the 'she needs me to hold on' phrase I told myself that afternoon after crying my heart out...
I just want a respite in this painful universe full of CRAP. I just want to lie in bed and rest, forget that I am alive and just exist without being anything but a lump of living matter ocuppying a space in the universe.
I can't let go though, my stupid stubbornness won't let me. >.>

Great, ne? Oh well, I'm thinking: 'let's give my ex-best friend this blog's link so she can read this and maybe that way she'll understand what I feel'... that'll certainly bring about a wave of arguments (that seems like the only thing I get from her ever since I can remember), and probably a total cutting off from me... Who knows? maybe getting her to read this won't be so bad... >.>

Sometimes, it's best to just forget it all and go on like stuff never happened :3

Finally made it :3

YAY, This dark, gloomy, lifeless place is FINALLY connected to FB... WEEEE! ^__^

Now Nightmare Kingdom MIGHT get a few peeks at least once a year :3
I finally have stuff to write... working on a new project: Soap opera of a life... by Henry <3... I might start writing down everything about my life... and use this as a 'diary' xD though it'd seem far-fetched and exuberant... but what can I do about my life? It's not exactly the most normal of lives...

So as a trial run, here's the first drop of Soap Opera lifestyle :3 When you like someone... else. ^__^:

So this is the thing: A year ago a met this guy... he's crazy, at the very least CRAZY, but he's himself and respects others who are also themselves. :3 Pure win ne? Well, it'd BE pure win were it not 'cuz he's str8... Ignore my texttalk, I can't exactly stand it, but I can't really compel myself to write that word, or some others xD... Back in track (This will happen frequently): I like him, but I know I won't be liked back, so what to do? Be his friend and really make the most out of it ^__^ I mean, HELLO!? He's a cool dude and he doesn't mind me being totally queer (in more than one sense, mind you... I mean: weird clothes, weird hair, weird attitude? xD ) and while he's not prone to be locked up with me in a room (trust me, nothing'd happen) he's not exactly reluctant to relate to me as far as friends can go :3.
The twist: I stop liking him... for obvious, and some not as obvious, reasons... Take that, drop in a marvelous girl who's just like him, but doesn't mind me being a queer (a hugging sweaty bear queer at that mind you) but minds me being sweaty... >.>... and make them fall in love...
Where does it become Soap operaish you ask? Here:
THE VERY SAME DAY I WAS GOING TO ASK HER OUT SHE JUST BLURTED "YOU DON'T KNOW! I LIKE, AND I THINK I'M FALLING FOR -insert omitted name-"... Talk about lucky me, ne? well, to top it off... I can't help but laugh at it and support them, because although I USED to like 'em both, she's just become my best friend and he's just a cool kid I like to poke (I poke his ribs with my FINGERS, just in case you pervs think something else... -wags The Finger at you readers-). And they look cute on top of that... xD
Great, ne? I like someone who's unreachable, I get over him but I fall for someone 'reachable', only to find out they've fallen for each other... and as if that weren't great... I AM, somehow, HIS rival now... >> weird turn of events... xD

As you can see, my life resembles MORE a cheap, Mexican soap opera (no offense Mexico, but your CHEAP (Mark the word) Soap Operas suck big time... the rest are amazing :3 and I love Mexican musicians and have (or used to have) tons of Mexican friends whom I wish weren't all the way across the sea... >.> and definitely, Mexican food rocks) than an 'everyday guy's' life... And that's just the icing on the cake... the real bite will come once I start leaking all the amazing stuff I can't really think about without relishing... :3

'Till next chapter of my soap opera of a life, it's been a pleasure for this wolf to share with you his, and some other people's, secrets xD.

PS: In no way am I hinting at anyone known to anyone... the people in my life, albeit not fictitious, are not the people you might think about... and sometimes, they're people with whom I relate (and express relationship) as though they were locals, but in fact, aren't... so if you see random stuff around here (like the flying rooster skeleton to the left), worry not, they're just a part of the very special way I look at the world :3

"And Death, his robe on mysterious winds floating, rose to his lover, whose pale face and silver eyes shone down upon him who he loved..."

A reason to be

Recently, I've been asking myself why am I going on even though my life goal has been shattered...

Recapitulating... I wished with all my heart to provide a home, warm and full of love, to two children (I'm talking about adoption). This wish had been my reason to give life my all for almost two years now... Well, I was analyzing this wish, this GOAL... And I discovered two important things: No matter what anyone wants to think or not, the odds of me getting into a serious relationship with a man are far higher than those of getting into the same sort of relationship with a woman. It's a fact that while most European countries are beginning to open up to homosexual couples adopting, it's by no means any easier nor secure that I'll ultimately be able to adopt. To that I have to add that I am highly unstable. I have a very SEVERE personality disorder, and even if I were granted the child's custody, I wouldn't be allowed the moment this problem were taken into consideration. Heterosexual couples where one of the members have this problem have been denied custody because of this disorder, so it's easy to think it's going to be even easier to deny it to a homosexual couple... -_- When I noticed these two facts (with the help of my psychiatrist of course) I suddenly lost my drive...

Now I ask myself: If I had been living for myself, and found it to be useless because in the end I'd only be miserable, so I changed to living for someone I valued like hell, and this person was ripped off my life by my own personality disorder, then shifted my attention to those I care for, who also walked out on me, so I ultimately chose to live for a desire, a hope, a wish, I ultimately decided to live for the day I would give two children the warm home many people are missing, regardless of biological relationships. And now I find out this can't be fulfilled, I find out this wish can actually work backwards, causing more harm than good to those I'm trying to help... What am I living for...? I've kept on walking, mainly because of something called Inertia, but this Inertia has recently found some opposition, and I'm trying to find WHAT to live for... And so I ask myself: When the residue of the drive I've had for two years wears out, what will drive me into life? WHAT will be worth living for? I can't live just because, I'd rather die than live a life without meaning, and I can't go on without a goal, 'cuz in the end I won't move anywhere, so, as a last cry for help, a last despairing shout, I ask: WHAT WILL I LIVE FOR FROM NOW ON?

I know there has to be something out there worth living, something worth coping with the suffering in my life, and the suffering I cause to those I care for... I KNOW there's something/someone out there who needs me to walk on, to go on with this burden... But without the hope, without something that reminds me that it's worth it, that it's worth living through all these trials, living in general; something that reminds me that every sunrise is a miracle, something that makes me feel, makes me want to feel alive, something intense... What's there to live for if every one of my goals have been crushed by my own unresolved issues, by all the things I'm now facing... What's the point of facing each of these trials if in the end they will only be controlled, never erased, and I'll have to cope with the aftermath of this fight and the constant strife of keeping these demons under control... What's the point of all my hard work, if everything I worked for is but an unattainable dream?

Keep dreaming... That's what I am doing now, I'm trying to dream something that makes all this worth it... There's no such thing in my life yet, but I go on for the small pleasures: The fact that there IS a sunrise waiting for me at the end of a restless night, the fact that there's people to protect, the fact that there are many who, even if they don't say it now, will miss me if I'm gone, these same group of people who don't really offer me anything but their smiles, but whose precious smiles make up for the lack of comfort, the lack of 'you can do it's, the lack of 'it'll be alright's. Even if these people don't really do much, or even care more than most people care for others, they are there, and they will shed at least a single tear if I'm gone.

I fight these nine demons to safeguard those I care for from the suffering I can cause, but the price is high, and my forces are dimming with every passing second. I can't hold on forever, because I don't have anything to drive me into holding on. While I find what to hold on for, what to fight for, I'll be at the mercy of my demons' tricks... No one understands what it's like to fight yourself for survival, no one understands what it's like to live a life without living, to go on for the sake of it...

Without meaning, life is not worth living. My life has no meaning, but it has something else I must fight for... Those who will suffer if I leave. I can't let my demons win this fight yet, I can't let them have the best of me... I won't let my shadows consume me... But there's nothing to force my eyes onto, nothing to force myself to look at and smile, nothing to fight for. I can hold on, and while this inertia keeps me on the run, I will hold on; but inertia is only an ideal concept, and my life is all but ideal... I can't hold on forever... And unless I find that which I must fight for once more, unless I find something worth living for, worth suffering for, worth fighting for, I'll be doomed to this pointless watching of the sun as it rises slowly, mounting the skies on its fiery chariot while my lover vanishes in its shine... I can only hope for the next moon to bring with it that which I must fight for... I can only hope for the stars to guide my path, tell me that which I can hold on to, illuminate the shadows on my path, revealing the silhouettes of the dreams I must dream, dreams the sun will always incinerate in its rise...

Until I find the soft moonlight that twines desires, dreams and hopes into a cloth I can mold, into a canvas which will hold my blood and tears until they dry, into the chains with which to bind myself to this ocean's bottom where my dreams are always within reach, where I can give my all without fear of the sun vanishing that which I fight for, where I can come out of this shell, let go of my screen and look into the darkness I embraced, look into the lantern-light I used as guide in the dreary landscape that is my soul... Until I find the chains to sink once more into the ocean of peace I embrace, into the ocean of darkness I hide my scars, my burns with, into the ocean of death I draw from to create life at its maximum, I will be buoying on this nothingness, exposed to the searing sun, yearning for the soft moonlight to come back and cover me, yearning for the sweet meanings to make Death not a goal, but the end of a worthy life.

I sink into my own chaos, because I lost the chains that bound me to the shore and in this whirlpool the rising wind, the warming sun, the breaking spell has cast upon my ocean of peace, ocean into which I swum all the time, ocean in which I felt at peace, ocean without life, ocean without waves, ocean inhabited by nightmares, corpses and whipping vines of dread, painful visages of a fear I once let go of... Until I can cast the eternal darkness upon my ocean, until I can bring the moon, full, shining, back to the zenith of this once cloudy and dark sky, until I can raze this blooming land, return it to its barren ashes, until I can eradicate all these wild beasts, bring back the quiet loneliness of death, the beautiful loneliness, the non-existent life, the dead trees, rotting corpses, and looming mountains that now lay flat, no longer a barrier between my soul and the world, but a path between them... Until I can return my soul to its original state, and return to the dreary place I call home, where my dreams and nightmares co-exist, where nothing but the most still silence can be found, where nothing but I walk, not alive, but not dead either, until I can return to my safe haven, my heaven, I'll be stuck with this nightmare. I can swim, I can hold on, but only for so much, and unless I find the binds I need, the tethers which bind this cursed place together, creating the peaceful death I feed upon, giving me full control of my soul, no longer buoying on the ocean, but at its bottom, where I have to be, where I MUST be, where I can exist without fear and sadness, where I can shift into gear without fearing my demons will break free...

To those of you who'll read this (I don't expect many people to actually do...) I'm talking in my own language, I'm talking truthfully, I'm talking, and saying, what I want. I don't want to die, nor do I want to live, I just want my life to have meaning. I'm not asking for endless life, I'm not asking for a swift death, I'm not asking for anything but a reason to go on...

To oneself be true. I live by this rule, and this rule dictates that if I no longer have anything to fight for, I let go of everything I've been doing for whatever I was fighting for. This rule is vital, it's the only thing in my life I can trust, and it's the only reason I'm still alive. I know my depiction of heaven seems off to most, if not all, of you, but my vital rule dictates that I be honest disregarding any rejection I might receive from others. Heaven is to everyone what they make it to be, my heaven is what you know as 'lonely hell'. MY HEAVEN is full of the only thing no one can understand I need: Peace.

It's easy to disregard anything as a moment's impulse when you're a Borderline, but not all Borderlines are the same, and this particular Borderline is not about to let go of his life, his reasons and the only thing that has never failed him: his faith in this Heaven of which he speaks.

A poem now... ^_^

"Reasons of danger cross this bloated heart
In rage, in anger, in despair I see you
To blame on the weak the reasons of a nightmare
To be like you when you leave me in darkness
Is it fair to play shadow when you’re not?
To be among the hungry, swollen with food?
Sit among the hopeless as you hope?
Or perhaps listen to music when everything’s dark?
Is it fair to live, to push forth as you face others?
Is it fair to smile in other’s sadness?
Would it be wrong to answer unasked questions?
In my darkness, I see you, Light
In this sadness, you dare smile
Smile at me, at my fake smile
Smile at the tear my face runs
Wreaking havoc upon the stone soul
Endangering with madness the poor maniac
As you call forth a shade that will lead to nowhere
As you hurry your time having your place
As you stab your healthy heart, facing the dead
In the darkness I can see you
Searing my skin with your anger
Oh sun where did you come from?
Are you here to slap my failures on me again?
Were you sent to torture me?
Please, searing sun, take away your rays
Leave this soul to sink into the darkness it was born for
Leave this wanderer to dread his early demise
Leave this tortured body to its final rest
Oh sun why are you here?
Is it my destiny to face you forever?
Please, oh please, let me fall
The thread cut has been, to let go
The grinder below waits for its last meal
As I fall into darkness, sink into sadness
Go back to my true essence, spread my wings
Oh searing blue sun, let this opal angel sink
The darkness my wounds heals
Shadows my company provide
The silence I must sink into
To heal, to live, to become myself
You have taken my most precious shards, now go
Go and never return, searing light
No more darkness can I produce, doomed I am
No more shadows can I create, my art fallen has
Because you entered, I learnt to smile
Because you supported, I let go of my art
Now that it must come back, I am hurt
Hurt by its negative, come back will it not
Hurt by my innocence, trust the blade did this soul
Soul that now waits for its helper, itself
Soul that lost its shine
Soul that must now covet its art
Soul that must now harvest inspiration
From the Dead Sea, a sea of dirt
From the night glade, prairie of sand
From the fountains of pride, death
From the fountains of knowledge, death
From itself, death…

The Harvester…"

What I've been up to?

I've been up to a lot... >.> Of homework that is... -_-;;; now I'm bored to death 'cuz I can't edit some stuff I REALLY need to edit >.>...

Other than that, and my boss being totally easy on me lately, I can't complain xD.

When Will I add some of my randomness to this deserted place? When will time stop...?

Why am I writing this? 'Cuz I want/can/am doing it for the sake of doing it.

:3 love you all, even if you hate me 'cuz I'm whatever it is that you hate xD

I will be reborn as the wolf, meanwhile, let the cuddly bear stay in the lodge granny ^__^...

What I've been up to

Well... I've been BUSY as hell... and irritable, and started treatment (finally) and I'm ok, so I guess it's alright... xD

Here's a litte piece of artwork for those of you who consider yourselves fan of amateur, bad taste, uber-awkward art... ^__^




And for the critics, I do enjoy it, so don't bother me plz... ^__^
Luck dears, and hope you don't get on this wolf's bad side >.>;

日本語 - Japanese!

I've been learning Japanese since April ^__^. No, not with a proper teacher, but with My Japanese Coach, the DS game... YES, it works. ¬¬

So, many of you will be wondering, HOW MUCH Japanese can someone learn on his own... Well, with my current keyboard layout, which helps me with Kanji issues, and my basic-moderate management of both Kanji and Kana, I think it can be considered as quite a lot... ^__^

僕は日本が話すことできないけど僕はかなと漢字が分かります
これはとてもよいね？
はい、これはとてもよいと面白いです
僕はちょっと日本語が話すけれども僕のちょっと日本語が楽します

Basically, there I said: I don't speak much Japanese, but I can understand some, and read some, too. ^__^ And as little Japanese as it is, I enjoy it xD.

Bear with me, I tend to shift into some weird stuff from time to time... By the way, for those who are fluent in Japanese, I still don't really know how to make some sentences/use some verbs, I'd be rather happy if someone could give me a hand... ^__^ THANKS!

Now, to the less interesting things: I restarted Meds... well, Therapy ^__^. I was diagnosed with BPD about 2 years ago, and since then, I've been on and off on treatment mainly because my parents didn't comprehend the disorder... I got my dad to buy me Borderline Personality Disorder Demystified by Dr. Robert O. Friedel, and he read a little into the book and understood why I made him buy it... ^__^ Now I'm back in treatment, and although slowly, I am recovering control of my life. Good, ne? The best part is, this time, I can't drop out of therapy, because Dad's the one who has the last word when it comes to us, and even though Mom doesn't want to admit my disorder, she can't get me out of treatment this time ^__^. YAY For dad!

And the last note: I don't understand (still) what the hell happened between me and my best friend, but I hope it is fixed soon... Meanwhile, no Emood on my Blog for a while... hopefully xD.

A song of Songs

So... Think you're smart enough to crack this wolf...? ^__^ I thought as much... Here's a new poem, right off the oven and into the flames... Love you all ^__^


"In a perfect world, together falling

Our simple plans our demise becoming

Our dreams, a painful, bleeding wound

That makes you think it’s to die for

Emotional regression, wounds deep, wide open

Phantoms of such an Eden

In its own demise actor

Of light, of rain actor

Arctic melody to the full moon

Ever graying its day, its fun

A victim, prisoner of insanity

Freedom, with wings broken

My skin breaches, like crystal breaks

Directions lost in a grey landscape

Nameless plain roads, goals

Atrophy, uselessness of this heart

Red my blood as it stains this contraption

My thoughts scare each other

As cats and mice they act

A miracle’s gone missing

I stare into your light

Thrice hurt you with these desires

To see into your heart

A farewell, my princess

For now thee I grant

But know, remember me

Memory never be taken away

For this love I feel

For the pain I caused

I fade from this sorrow

I apologize…

A song of lament."

There it is... Enjoy it. ^__^ I might post a second poem by next weekend... Stay tuned... If there is anyone who cares...

Third installment, sorry for language... ^^

Tanto tiempo sin pasar por aquí... Aquí está el último capítulo de mi pequeña historia... Tradúzcanla si lo desean...

Twilight Demise.

What have I become? What!? These thoughts echoed through my mind as I lie there, gazing at the corpse that was once my most important person, my loved one... He lay bloodless there, ever staring at nothingness his once blue eyes... His lips parted lightly, ever grasping at a never to enter breath, forever gaping in wait of their last kiss... Limp, floppy limbs, unable to hold my body, unable to support him anymore. I killed him, out of anger, out of thirst, out of hatred... He was not my prey, he was not the one I’d chosen, he was a mistake... No he was my mistake, my burden, my guilt, my all... I would never be able to redeem my soul of this sin... I run, run away from her, her enchanting musings on her guilt... She took him away, she took away my husband, the one who’d chosen to be with me, regardless of what I’ve become... She’d taken away my daughter’s father, and she’d imprinted on our family a mark of desolation, hatred, pain and despair... No man on earth would ever stand up to his selflessness, his undying affection, his everlasting patience, comprehension... No one would overlook my mistakes, forgive my lack of attention, my spacing out on nothing... None would ever understand why I was his, how he’d gotten to love me even though all I did was be there, like a decorative object, never being capable of feeling anything except my love for him... None would ever accept my daughter and I, twilight-dwellers... He is dead, as is his daughter and husband... I had to kill them, and now I proceeded to slay the bastard who’d told me where to feed, now my informant would pay for the sins I’ve committed... He laughs at my disgrace, to him, my love for the twilit one was but a whim, an expression of my lack of self-control. I showed him better... The sun is rising, as is my daughter’s spirit, I watch them, daughter and father, and I long to hold them in my arms... Being a daylight-being, I was saved by sunrise, but they will not come back, never... I will never forget his eyes, the unique purplish-silver iris and its notorious size... He might have spaced out during our life, during his lone-time, during my time with him, but he would never overlook me, he’d never hurt me on purpose, he’d never stop listening to me, he’d never let me feel alone... Now all that lasted with me was his corpse, eerily translucent. He was vanishing, everything he was now becoming nothing. I was never one to say goodbye, I never expected this, to go on without him... I was doomed to this, to being without him, and I would be forever... What will I do without my twilight, doomed forever to this day? What will to my dark, nightly soul happen, now that no twilight adorns my life?


Aquí termina nuestra travesía a través de mi corta pero accidentada trayectoria como escritor de cuentos e historias breves. Disfruten.
Mucha oscuridad, mucho amor y mucho conocimiento para todos, pronto volveré con más oscuridad para ustedes.

Crepúsculo, Día y Noche

Esta es la segunda parte de mi historia. Esta describe un aspecto distinto de la relación de mi personaje, sin nombre hasta la fecha...

Disfruten:

Crepúsculo, Día y Noche

Anoche fue una noche muy buena… Me miro en el espejo y estoy muy ansioso por empezar mi día.

En esta ciudad hay reglas; muy estrictas reglas sobre el horario de “ellos” y “nosotros”. Yo pertenezco al clan, a la noche, pero soy diurno…

Soy hijo de un nocturno y una diurna, y por eso soy un expulsado en ambos lados. Puedo salir en la noche sin correr riesgos y durante el día, bajo el sol, laborar. Pocos compartimos ése privilegio.

Mi amante es nocturna, me casé con un diurno y mi hija es, como yo, una expulsada.

Una mano posada sobre mi hombro me saca del trance. Es mi esposo, susurrando un “Hola” lleno de amor. Me conmociono y me alegro, pero a la vez se retuerce mi corazón. “Hola amor” le digo suavemente mientras sus labios fuertes, ásperos y a la vez suaves me envuelven en un beso, su lengua dentro de mi boca. Suavemente nos retiramos y siento su cuerpo junto al mío, y por primera vez en años lo veo sonreír en el espejo, abrazándome y reposando su cabeza en mi hombro.

Ha pasado media hora y estoy despidiendo a mi hija a su escuela mientras mi esposo me prepara el 2^do café del día.

Estamos solos, como aquella primera vez, él de espaldas a mí, hablando sobre lo mucho que le gustaba alguien pero que no sabía como decirlo. Recuerdo que sus padres salieron temprano ése día, lo habían dejado a cargo de la casa por un fin de semana, yo estaba esperando en su cocina porque teníamos clases más tarde. Me invitó a un café y después nos sentamos a conversar, recuerdo su mirada perdida en el espacio, su voz temblorosa. Yo estaba perdidamente enamorado de él, pero nunca hablaba de mí.

Otra vez, sus manos temblorosas me pasan una taza de café caliente y él se sienta de frente a mí. Sus azules ojos me absorben mientras el silencio se espesa entre nos, como un tóxico miasma.

Y lo hace, me dice que me ama, que por favor no me asuste, que tiene años estudiándome y que aún soy un misterio. Estoy atónito, balbuceo un “Increíble…” Y me pongo de pie. Camino hasta donde está, ahora él mira el piso. Sostengo su barbilla y miro esos ojos azules, el temor rebosa en ellos…

Se desata una vana conversación, en ésta él me cuenta de los vecinos, de cómo todos me miran con repudio y le preguntan cómo puede estar conmigo. Es la conversación de todas las mañanas. Sólo lo escucho mientras habla sobre repudio hacia los diurnos puritanos. Le digo que él una vez lo fue y me mira, como siempre, con la ira en los ojos.

…Esos mismos ojos que tantas veces vi brillar en mis fantasías, hoy tan cerca, tan anhelados. Me tiembla el labio inferior, sus ojos se llenan de lágrimas, de terror. Es momento, lo beso, noto su sorpresa al sentir mis labios presionados con tanta intensidad contra los suyos. Siento sus manos temblorosas en mis caderas mientras mi rodilla izquierda se apoya entre sus piernas…

Me pongo de pie, el café está en la mesa, me apoyo sobre la meseta y lo miro. Se pone de pie, me acorrala contra la repisa y clava sus ojos en los míos. “Lo fui” me dice con una calma muy forzada. Apoya su frente contra la mía, su mirada se suaviza y musita un “Perdóname” casi inaudible. Mi mirada está en blanco…

Nos tomó cinco minutos liberarnos de ése beso. Nos sentamos a conversar, y entre tanto hablar, nos decidimos a quedarnos en casa. Era un frío día de otoño y mis botas estaban más incómodas que nunca. Él tenía unas pantuflas y sus medias blancas. Nos metimos en su cama, sólo nos quedaba la piel y nuestras trusas, transparentes, para cubrirnos de la lluvia de caricias bajo una cobija por techo. Cada beso era una emanación de esa fuente de perlas que era nuestro corazón. Sus frías manos en mi espalda y en mi torso, mis manos sostenían su cuello…

Lo beso, se acerca a mí, su cuerpo tembloroso y sus labios ansiosos se encuentras con mis labios calmados y mi cuerpo casi inerme. Siento sus manos correr por mi espalda y tomo la oportunidad para enlazar mis brazos tras su cuello. Empieza a recorrer mi rostro, mi cuello, con sus labios, sus cálidos besos. Era como aquella primera vez en su cama.

Y suena el teléfono celular; es su jefe. “Claro señor, voy en camino” responde mi esposo, me da un beso y se despide.

Y así me quedo nuevamente con mi soledad, mis recuerdos y anhelos. Desde que puedo recordar, mi esposo parece estar casado con su jefe, siempre atento a éste. “¿Pero qué cosas?” musito entre risas, al verme a mí, el hombre más agraciado celar a mi esposo. Y el timbre en la puerta…

Es mi amante, entra de pronto en la casa, se saca la capa y el sombrero blancos y me mira a los ojos. Sus labios se entreabren y su frío beso me incinera el corazón. Sus manos reposan sobre mi pecho, cálidas, su frágil estructura sobre mí se apoya. La rodeo con mis brazos y, por primera vez, no está fría, su cuerpo cálido, lleno de vida, me impacta, contrasta conmigo…

Mi compañera se disipa en una suave llovizna de ensueño, y mi esposo entra en la casa, aún estoy cerca de la puerta. Él me mira con amor, me besa la mejilla y luego entra mi hija y repite la acción. Toman asiento.

Los escucho conversar acerca de la escuela, los chicos que tuvieron una pelea sobre otro chico; él habla de lo mucho que la quiere; ella lo besa en la mejilla; conversan levemente sobre almuerzos, cenas y postres; luego él se aproxima a mí, aún estoy en la sala, como quien espera a que el mundo empiece a girar para respirar. Él me mira, clava su suave mirada de zafiros en mis ojos huecos, me dice que me ama. “Yo también te amo” respondo suavemente, lo beso y él me abraza. “Todo va a estar bien” me susurra mientras me desmorono, me transformo en un caudal de lágrimas y mi cuerpo, mi alma, desfallece bajo el peso de la tristeza.

Hoy no iré a tomar café…

Lo interesante es que sólo nos falta una parte de la historia. No lo arruinaré...

Hasta luego y oscuridad a todos, y más que nada, amor. ^^

Yo, mi amante y un capuccino

Esta es una pequeña historia que escribi hace un año. Espero la disfruten.

Yo, mi amante y un cappuccino

Eran las seis de la tarde cuando decidí que quería un café.

La tarde era fresca, otoñal. Una suave brisa mecía las ramas deshojadas de los árboles de mi calle. Caminaba lentamente, saboreando cada paso; veía todo mas no observaba nada. Era sólo yo. La brisa acariciaba mi pelo, mi rostro, y susurraba en mis oídos mil y una melodías de paz.

Llegué al café, tomé una mesa exterior, el silencio era opresor, pero era un silencio hermoso. La mesera que me atendió respetaba ese silencio, su voz apenas audible. No fue larga mi espera, no fue corto el placer de un sorbo de café, un café suave y cremoso, levemente amargo, plenamente cálido.

Y más largo el placer al aparecer ella, sus vestidos largos, negros, y su cabello negro la hacían parecer una estrella que negra había caído del cielo. Se sentó a mi izquierda, pedí más café, y con el mismo sigilo me fue entregado, como la última vez. Mi acompañante se limitaba a sonreír cuando miraba sus vacuos ojos. Era encantador aquél ambiente…

Su tersa mano se posó sobre mi mano, levemente fría, levemente débil. Sus labios entonaban melódicas palabras llenas de ligereza, superficialidad. Se acercó a mi rostro, nuestros labios se hallaron…

La suave brisa otoñal acariciaba mi rostro, el suave eco de la soledad que invadía esta ciudad era percibido por mis oídos, su silencio, profundo, hiriente hasta cierto punto, era catártico. Mas roto yacía en un segundo por el estruendo del campanario, anunciando la llegada de la reina de la lujuria, la Diosa del placer y la dadora de luz interna a las lámparas de esta calle. La noche había caído, y con ella toda la paz de esta ciudad.

Sus habitantes empezaban a salir, empezaba a renacer la ciudad, como sus habitantes, durmiendo durante el día, existiendo nocturnamente atados a un trato por la eternidad. Y mi café acabó nuevamente…

Mi amante se hallaba excitada, llegada la hora de cazar, ella sería privilegiada con una presa inmediatamente. Pero mientras le llegaba su momento, es hora de otro café.

Admiro a la mesera, su parsimonia al hablar, su sigilo al ir y volver, es un vuelo perfecto el de aquella mesera. El silencio yace destrozado por los sonidos de una ciudad que no duerme, la música estruendosa, la voz irritante de los adolescentes que recién descubren lo que la infancia les prohibía, las voces de aquellos que habían vivido más que nosotros y ya caminaban hacia el lugar que los vio nacer, crecer, y el mayor estruendo, los pasos apresurados de quienes querían un sorbo de vino tinto en el café.

Mi café se hallaba allí, como todas las veces, mi amante sorbía primero, luego yo sorbía. Conversábamos levemente mientras nuestras manos se entrelazaban. Casi era hora de volver a casa, mi tiempo estaba caducando. Y la calle oscura en que vivía se iluminaba cada vez que sus habitantes salían.

Soy un ser diurno, mi tiempo es el día, mi amante es nocturna, su vida es la noche, pero nuestra existencia, nuestros lazos, eran crepusculares, y mientras existiera el atardecer, el amanecer, nuestras vidas estarían enlazadas. Sus últimas palabras antes de despedirse de mí, no con un beso, sino con una mirada, siempre las mismas miradas, siempre las mismas palabras.

“Te amo…” el eco de su voz recorría mi corazón, llegaba a mis oídos y volvía a mi corazón, siempre en un latido…

Camino sobre mis pasos, las hojas vuelan en el viento nocturno, mi rostro se ve lacerado por las pruebas de un verano, una primavera. El café que me calentaba el alma ya está frío, mi cabeza está fría. Ya no más café, me repetía todas las noches al llegar a mi casa, sentarme frente a su retrato, y ver las palabras de su puño, el eco en mi corazón, escritas en una esquina, junto a mi única respuesta aquella tarde de invierno en que me la regaló…

Pero ¿qué es esto? Tocan a mi puerta suavemente, rompiendo la rutina a la que siempre he pertenecido. Me pongo en pie, aun creyendo que sueño tales golpes a mi puerta. Estoy frente a esta cuando repiten con suavidad, 1… 2… 3… 4… 5… 6 veces llaman y se detienen. Mi curiosidad excitada ha llegado al límite, debo abrir.

Grata sorpresa al ver a mi mesera favorita con una última taza de café, suaves sus palabras al igual que sus pasos cuando dice: “se los envía la señora…”. Tomo mi taza y le agradezco su labor. Veo que me extiende una nota…

Me siento frente al retrato nuevamente, veo la nota, más no distingo aún sus palabras, mi sorpresa me lo impide. Sorbo el café, cálido, placentero. Leo la nota: “…Amor, hoy te visitaré…”. En mis labios una sonrisa se esboza mientras siento las manos que se extienden sobre mi pecho. “…Esto no te dolerá ni un poquito… amor”

FIN

Eso es lo que habitaba mi mente hace un año... Un poquito de amor.

Oleada

You know what it meant... Si lo sé, sé lo que significó para ti. Una mentira, pues nunca duramos para siempre, un engaño, pues te fui infiel, un adiós porque ya no te veo... Qué irónico que hoy decida escribirte, para saludar, para decir que aún me queda amor por ti.

Estoy loco si creo que de veras me escucharás, que ignorarás los consejos de tus amigos... Vaya que soy imbécil... Pero aún así te quiero, quizás más de lo que quiero quererte, quizás hasta mañana, quizás hasta la semana entrante, quizás por siempre... Y aún cuando mi corazón se vierte en el molde hirviente de mi poesía para adquirir la belleza, la esbelta forma de una emoción, palpita, palpita sin cesar por ti, a quien hube de amar, a quien amo, a quien espero la misericorde Señora de mi alma, Diosa de paz me haga dejar de amar.

Es largo este trayecto de caídas, de moretones y maldiciones que es la vida, pero no por tu presencia vácua se hace menos larga, ni mas abarrotada de dificultades. Es tu presencia la que propicia mi dificultad, la que me hace sucumbir de dolor en las largas noches de sueños rotos, pesadillas presentes que se trastornan bajo el elíxir de los Dioses, la suave voz de una musa que susurra a mis atentos oídos las palabras que han mis manos de escribir, los trazos de mis dedos dibujar, los suaves sombreados, difuminaciones, embellecimientos que en mi tortura son producto de mi sangre, mi sufrimiento, mi acción.

La noche me acompañará a donde vaya, los suaves retazos de seda que una vez fuésen portados por mi eterno amor Soledad me acompañarán hasta esta costa, esta playa que negra, más que el petróleo, yace a nuestros pies... Y es que es este océano el que sustenta mi alma, el que contiene mi corazón, el que se desplaza en mis venas y me escucha, escucha atento a cada canción, gesto de pasión por ti. No sé si ser poético es la solución, sólo sé que es mi único aliento...

Los llantos de una depresión incurable, Wulf.

The pond of darkness

I have had a very bad year so far. I can barely see my reflection without wishing it away. There's been so many stuff lately...

A ton of us have been overlooked and hurt by those who love us. Many of us have dwelt over scars made by those who sworn to protect us. I can only think of my life, lonely and empty, when I am left alone, yet loneliness found that being around me is hard work and departed for better places. My entire life has been devoted to nothing, everytime I took a step, they lashed out at me, everytime I stood watching, they lashed at me. I've always look for permission, and I'm always denied, I don't know how to move if it's not inside. Damn this composition of self and selflessness.

Betrayed by my latter hopes, now what I could love is gone... I am so not happy, so not well. I despise the life to it given, despise the life-giver and more over, despise the feelings to it endowed. Thanks loner wolf for reading me. 'Till next time.

The wolf found a pup to take care upon, a dead pup though, needs it no more.

Porque quiero explayarme sobre el papel...

Y quiero extender mis alas al infinito, y llenar de oscuridad mi existencia, y demostrar que mi fuerza es mi mente, y que mi mente es infinita... Aquí esta un poco en español para que disfruten de mi poesía...

Esta historia está en un post independiente. Búsquenla allí ^__^

Porque como yo, mi vida gira en torno a ti, y como tu, tu vida sólo soy yo.

Feliz Death Day a Mí!

From Darkness to Darkness

How will I forget you? How will I?...
If I can only think of you, all I do is you, all don't do is you, all I love is you, and all I wanted, had, lost and deserved has been you...

Oh you my dear, why won’t you grant me your heart?

Grant it to me, I’ll only crush it

Grant it to me, my love will fill it

Bathe it my love will, bathe it in liquid flames

And your sadness will be washed away

Forever and ever, washed of life will your sadness be

Cleansed by fire, cleansed by blood

My love cleanse life will

From your gut, from your soul

My love cleanse of life will your existence

Deep from the shadows of this ocean

Dark as the night it portends

Overwhelming as its extension the feelings it spawns

Dreary as its inhabitants, none

Showing both of us, our very own shades

Deep beneath flesh it extends

Tendrils of death, tendrils of darkness

Tendrils of blood, dread, a nightmare

A sea nevertheless, untamable

A sea nevertheless, unfathomable

A sea within this shell, filling emptiness with nothing

A sea of nothing, of no more than shadows and death

From the vast darkness of the abyss it resembles

Born it was from the tears of a thousand suffering souls

From the very blood of innocents

The shadows of hell now inhabit such nothingness

Giving meaning to a meaningless expression of fear

Ocean of darkness, filled with the ever decaying corpses of the damned

Ocean of death, sheathed by the severed heads of The Undying

Ocean of nightmares, shaped by the endless night

Ocean of pain, The Undying to which I belong there are tortured

Flames, Sulfur, whips and maces for cover

Demons tearing apart our flesh for solace

The stripping of our pale skin for meals

The scalding chains that tie us for company

The unforgiving spikes fastening our souls to our rotting carcass

And amongst the darkness, I look up

I see the pale moon smiling at me, mocking at my disgrace

And I see the shadow that was once my own, dancing with her…

Shadow Two.

A poem to you, long lost friend and lover, a poem to you my dear lady bathed in sunset.


The wolf has begun to rot, his flesh tears apart. The wolf lives no more, without the love of his heart.