You must be tired of me dumping everything I feel on you, dear blog... well, there's so much more to say today...
But I just wanted to say I am sorry if I made you uncomfortable with my stupid arguments and stuff... it's just, you're the only one left to listen to my angst, my ex-best friend's only good at releasing her own angst, and listening to everyone's but mine... my best friend is in a lot of crap and I'd rather not dump any more on her, and my new friend is just pointlessly idiotic, making her not a good choice to talk to...
I'm tired, I haven't slept well for nearly a month now, and I haven't done zip of the homework I'm doing since TUESDAY. <.< I so wanted to flunk this class when dad postponed beyond belief my meds, and to top it, I'm coinless, meaning I can't go out and just forget about my problems with my best friend, drink two beers and dance all night long... I'm broke, tired, depressed, pressured by tons of people, and to top it, I have to see my psychiatrist, and she's going to yell at me when she sees the hell of a mess I've left myself become just because of my overdependance on medications...
I'm tired, and it's not easy for me to think clearly right now, thus why I'm writing here instead of just lying on my bed with a bottle of alcohol and some crappy poison... xD I know, that's not thinking clearly, but it's certainly more alluring than staying awake to finish something I have no reason to finish...
I'm tired of the universe being nice to me just because I'm someone important's son, someone's friend, or someone's grandson. I'm tired of this stupid hypocrisy and my hypocritical friends and family and everything. I'm tired of people not understanding I DON'T want a chance...
If I wanna let go, they pressure me into going on; if, on the other hand I make an effort to go on, they pressure me to let go... No one understands the phrase: LEAVE ME ALONE! Gosh... it's like they're deaf... I keep telling them I don't want counsels, but someone to listen and understand. I'm tired of being asked 'what happens?' and 'can I help you? come on, you can trust me' just to get back a lot of 'that's not so big, you're just wallowing out of desire to wallow' or 'come on, you're stronger than that...'
I don't understand how I'm alive with the surroundings I've had for all my life, but I certainly believe I'm lucky I'm socially inept and totally oblivious to people's meanings, because had I been as keen when I was 13 as I am now, I would have thought twice on the 'she needs me to hold on' phrase I told myself that afternoon after crying my heart out...
I just want a respite in this painful universe full of CRAP. I just want to lie in bed and rest, forget that I am alive and just exist without being anything but a lump of living matter ocuppying a space in the universe.
I can't let go though, my stupid stubbornness won't let me. >.>
Great, ne? Oh well, I'm thinking: 'let's give my ex-best friend this blog's link so she can read this and maybe that way she'll understand what I feel'... that'll certainly bring about a wave of arguments (that seems like the only thing I get from her ever since I can remember), and probably a total cutting off from me... Who knows? maybe getting her to read this won't be so bad... >.>
Sometimes, it's best to just forget it all and go on like stuff never happened :3
But I just wanted to say I am sorry if I made you uncomfortable with my stupid arguments and stuff... it's just, you're the only one left to listen to my angst, my ex-best friend's only good at releasing her own angst, and listening to everyone's but mine... my best friend is in a lot of crap and I'd rather not dump any more on her, and my new friend is just pointlessly idiotic, making her not a good choice to talk to...
I'm tired, I haven't slept well for nearly a month now, and I haven't done zip of the homework I'm doing since TUESDAY. <.< I so wanted to flunk this class when dad postponed beyond belief my meds, and to top it, I'm coinless, meaning I can't go out and just forget about my problems with my best friend, drink two beers and dance all night long... I'm broke, tired, depressed, pressured by tons of people, and to top it, I have to see my psychiatrist, and she's going to yell at me when she sees the hell of a mess I've left myself become just because of my overdependance on medications...
I'm tired, and it's not easy for me to think clearly right now, thus why I'm writing here instead of just lying on my bed with a bottle of alcohol and some crappy poison... xD I know, that's not thinking clearly, but it's certainly more alluring than staying awake to finish something I have no reason to finish...
I'm tired of the universe being nice to me just because I'm someone important's son, someone's friend, or someone's grandson. I'm tired of this stupid hypocrisy and my hypocritical friends and family and everything. I'm tired of people not understanding I DON'T want a chance...
If I wanna let go, they pressure me into going on; if, on the other hand I make an effort to go on, they pressure me to let go... No one understands the phrase: LEAVE ME ALONE! Gosh... it's like they're deaf... I keep telling them I don't want counsels, but someone to listen and understand. I'm tired of being asked 'what happens?' and 'can I help you? come on, you can trust me' just to get back a lot of 'that's not so big, you're just wallowing out of desire to wallow' or 'come on, you're stronger than that...'
I don't understand how I'm alive with the surroundings I've had for all my life, but I certainly believe I'm lucky I'm socially inept and totally oblivious to people's meanings, because had I been as keen when I was 13 as I am now, I would have thought twice on the 'she needs me to hold on' phrase I told myself that afternoon after crying my heart out...
I just want a respite in this painful universe full of CRAP. I just want to lie in bed and rest, forget that I am alive and just exist without being anything but a lump of living matter ocuppying a space in the universe.
I can't let go though, my stupid stubbornness won't let me. >.>
Great, ne? Oh well, I'm thinking: 'let's give my ex-best friend this blog's link so she can read this and maybe that way she'll understand what I feel'... that'll certainly bring about a wave of arguments (that seems like the only thing I get from her ever since I can remember), and probably a total cutting off from me... Who knows? maybe getting her to read this won't be so bad... >.>
Sometimes, it's best to just forget it all and go on like stuff never happened :3
2 comments:
I didn't even get tot he end i was so mad. I swear i will slap the shit outta you when you reply to me. You forgot me! ><
Dear... When I'm feeling something, I just dump it into my blog... >.> It doesn't relate to anyone, yet it deals with everyone. :3 I have no grudges with you, and I certainly don't want any. You're far too wonderful... But you need to learn to go through with my stuff... If you read between the lines you'll see I'm not even thinking about death, but about how TIRED I am of everyone opposing me when I finally decide to act on anything... -_- guess it's difficult since I'm not exactly an open book, nor am I clear... xD
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