Thursday, December 10, 2009

And now this...

You must be tired of me dumping everything I feel on you, dear blog... well, there's so much more to say today...

But I just wanted to say I am sorry if I made you uncomfortable with my stupid arguments and stuff... it's just, you're the only one left to listen to my angst, my ex-best friend's only good at releasing her own angst, and listening to everyone's but mine... my best friend is in a lot of crap and I'd rather not dump any more on her, and my new friend is just pointlessly idiotic, making her not a good choice to talk to...
I'm tired, I haven't slept well for nearly a month now, and I haven't done zip of the homework I'm doing since TUESDAY. <.< I so wanted to flunk this class when dad postponed beyond belief my meds, and to top it, I'm coinless, meaning I can't go out and just forget about my problems with my best friend, drink two beers and dance all night long... I'm broke, tired, depressed, pressured by tons of people, and to top it, I have to see my psychiatrist, and she's going to yell at me when she sees the hell of a mess I've left myself become just because of my overdependance on medications...
I'm tired, and it's not easy for me to think clearly right now, thus why I'm writing here instead of just lying on my bed with a bottle of alcohol and some crappy poison... xD I know, that's not thinking clearly, but it's certainly more alluring than staying awake to finish something I have no reason to finish...
I'm tired of the universe being nice to me just because I'm someone important's son, someone's friend, or someone's grandson. I'm tired of this stupid hypocrisy and my hypocritical friends and family and everything. I'm tired of people not understanding I DON'T want a chance...
If I wanna let go, they pressure me into going on; if, on the other hand I make an effort to go on, they pressure me to let go... No one understands the phrase: LEAVE ME ALONE! Gosh... it's like they're deaf... I keep telling them I don't want counsels, but someone to listen and understand. I'm tired of being asked 'what happens?' and 'can I help you? come on, you can trust me' just to get back a lot of 'that's not so big, you're just wallowing out of desire to wallow' or 'come on, you're stronger than that...'
I don't understand how I'm alive with the surroundings I've had for all my life, but I certainly believe I'm lucky I'm socially inept and totally oblivious to people's meanings, because had I been as keen when I was 13 as I am now, I would have thought twice on the 'she needs me to hold on' phrase I told myself that afternoon after crying my heart out...
I just want a respite in this painful universe full of CRAP. I just want to lie in bed and rest, forget that I am alive and just exist without being anything but a lump of living matter ocuppying a space in the universe.
I can't let go though, my stupid stubbornness won't let me. >.>

Great, ne? Oh well, I'm thinking: 'let's give my ex-best friend this blog's link so she can read this and maybe that way she'll understand what I feel'... that'll certainly bring about a wave of arguments (that seems like the only thing I get from her ever since I can remember), and probably a total cutting off from me... Who knows? maybe getting her to read this won't be so bad... >.>

Sometimes, it's best to just forget it all and go on like stuff never happened :3

Friday, October 23, 2009

Finally made it :3

YAY, This dark, gloomy, lifeless place is FINALLY connected to FB... WEEEE! ^__^

Now Nightmare Kingdom MIGHT get a few peeks at least once a year :3
I finally have stuff to write... working on a new project: Soap opera of a life... by Henry <3... I might start writing down everything about my life... and use this as a 'diary' xD though it'd seem far-fetched and exuberant... but what can I do about my life? It's not exactly the most normal of lives...

So as a trial run, here's the first drop of Soap Opera lifestyle :3 When you like someone... else. ^__^:

So this is the thing: A year ago a met this guy... he's crazy, at the very least CRAZY, but he's himself and respects others who are also themselves. :3 Pure win ne? Well, it'd BE pure win were it not 'cuz he's str8... Ignore my texttalk, I can't exactly stand it, but I can't really compel myself to write that word, or some others xD... Back in track (This will happen frequently): I like him, but I know I won't be liked back, so what to do? Be his friend and really make the most out of it ^__^ I mean, HELLO!? He's a cool dude and he doesn't mind me being totally queer (in more than one sense, mind you... I mean: weird clothes, weird hair, weird attitude? xD ) and while he's not prone to be locked up with me in a room (trust me, nothing'd happen) he's not exactly reluctant to relate to me as far as friends can go :3.
The twist: I stop liking him... for obvious, and some not as obvious, reasons... Take that, drop in a marvelous girl who's just like him, but doesn't mind me being a queer (a hugging sweaty bear queer at that mind you) but minds me being sweaty... >.>... and make them fall in love...
Where does it become Soap operaish you ask? Here:
THE VERY SAME DAY I WAS GOING TO ASK HER OUT SHE JUST BLURTED "YOU DON'T KNOW! I LIKE, AND I THINK I'M FALLING FOR -insert omitted name-"... Talk about lucky me, ne? well, to top it off... I can't help but laugh at it and support them, because although I USED to like 'em both, she's just become my best friend and he's just a cool kid I like to poke (I poke his ribs with my FINGERS, just in case you pervs think something else... -wags The Finger at you readers-). And they look cute on top of that... xD
Great, ne? I like someone who's unreachable, I get over him but I fall for someone 'reachable', only to find out they've fallen for each other... and as if that weren't great... I AM, somehow, HIS rival now... >> weird turn of events... xD

As you can see, my life resembles MORE a cheap, Mexican soap opera (no offense Mexico, but your CHEAP (Mark the word) Soap Operas suck big time... the rest are amazing :3 and I love Mexican musicians and have (or used to have) tons of Mexican friends whom I wish weren't all the way across the sea... >.> and definitely, Mexican food rocks) than an 'everyday guy's' life... And that's just the icing on the cake... the real bite will come once I start leaking all the amazing stuff I can't really think about without relishing... :3

'Till next chapter of my soap opera of a life, it's been a pleasure for this wolf to share with you his, and some other people's, secrets xD.

PS: In no way am I hinting at anyone known to anyone... the people in my life, albeit not fictitious, are not the people you might think about... and sometimes, they're people with whom I relate (and express relationship) as though they were locals, but in fact, aren't... so if you see random stuff around here (like the flying rooster skeleton to the left), worry not, they're just a part of the very special way I look at the world :3

"And Death, his robe on mysterious winds floating, rose to his lover, whose pale face and silver eyes shone down upon him who he loved..."

Sunday, September 27, 2009

A reason to be

Recently, I've been asking myself why am I going on even though my life goal has been shattered...

Recapitulating... I wished with all my heart to provide a home, warm and full of love, to two children (I'm talking about adoption). This wish had been my reason to give life my all for almost two years now... Well, I was analyzing this wish, this GOAL... And I discovered two important things: No matter what anyone wants to think or not, the odds of me getting into a serious relationship with a man are far higher than those of getting into the same sort of relationship with a woman. It's a fact that while most European countries are beginning to open up to homosexual couples adopting, it's by no means any easier nor secure that I'll ultimately be able to adopt. To that I have to add that I am highly unstable. I have a very SEVERE personality disorder, and even if I were granted the child's custody, I wouldn't be allowed the moment this problem were taken into consideration. Heterosexual couples where one of the members have this problem have been denied custody because of this disorder, so it's easy to think it's going to be even easier to deny it to a homosexual couple... -_- When I noticed these two facts (with the help of my psychiatrist of course) I suddenly lost my drive...

Now I ask myself: If I had been living for myself, and found it to be useless because in the end I'd only be miserable, so I changed to living for someone I valued like hell, and this person was ripped off my life by my own personality disorder, then shifted my attention to those I care for, who also walked out on me, so I ultimately chose to live for a desire, a hope, a wish, I ultimately decided to live for the day I would give two children the warm home many people are missing, regardless of biological relationships. And now I find out this can't be fulfilled, I find out this wish can actually work backwards, causing more harm than good to those I'm trying to help... What am I living for...? I've kept on walking, mainly because of something called Inertia, but this Inertia has recently found some opposition, and I'm trying to find WHAT to live for... And so I ask myself: When the residue of the drive I've had for two years wears out, what will drive me into life? WHAT will be worth living for? I can't live just because, I'd rather die than live a life without meaning, and I can't go on without a goal, 'cuz in the end I won't move anywhere, so, as a last cry for help, a last despairing shout, I ask: WHAT WILL I LIVE FOR FROM NOW ON?

I know there has to be something out there worth living, something worth coping with the suffering in my life, and the suffering I cause to those I care for... I KNOW there's something/someone out there who needs me to walk on, to go on with this burden... But without the hope, without something that reminds me that it's worth it, that it's worth living through all these trials, living in general; something that reminds me that every sunrise is a miracle, something that makes me feel, makes me want to feel alive, something intense... What's there to live for if every one of my goals have been crushed by my own unresolved issues, by all the things I'm now facing... What's the point of facing each of these trials if in the end they will only be controlled, never erased, and I'll have to cope with the aftermath of this fight and the constant strife of keeping these demons under control... What's the point of all my hard work, if everything I worked for is but an unattainable dream?

Keep dreaming... That's what I am doing now, I'm trying to dream something that makes all this worth it... There's no such thing in my life yet, but I go on for the small pleasures: The fact that there IS a sunrise waiting for me at the end of a restless night, the fact that there's people to protect, the fact that there are many who, even if they don't say it now, will miss me if I'm gone, these same group of people who don't really offer me anything but their smiles, but whose precious smiles make up for the lack of comfort, the lack of 'you can do it's, the lack of 'it'll be alright's. Even if these people don't really do much, or even care more than most people care for others, they are there, and they will shed at least a single tear if I'm gone.

I fight these nine demons to safeguard those I care for from the suffering I can cause, but the price is high, and my forces are dimming with every passing second. I can't hold on forever, because I don't have anything to drive me into holding on. While I find what to hold on for, what to fight for, I'll be at the mercy of my demons' tricks... No one understands what it's like to fight yourself for survival, no one understands what it's like to live a life without living, to go on for the sake of it...

Without meaning, life is not worth living. My life has no meaning, but it has something else I must fight for... Those who will suffer if I leave. I can't let my demons win this fight yet, I can't let them have the best of me... I won't let my shadows consume me... But there's nothing to force my eyes onto, nothing to force myself to look at and smile, nothing to fight for. I can hold on, and while this inertia keeps me on the run, I will hold on; but inertia is only an ideal concept, and my life is all but ideal... I can't hold on forever... And unless I find that which I must fight for once more, unless I find something worth living for, worth suffering for, worth fighting for, I'll be doomed to this pointless watching of the sun as it rises slowly, mounting the skies on its fiery chariot while my lover vanishes in its shine... I can only hope for the next moon to bring with it that which I must fight for... I can only hope for the stars to guide my path, tell me that which I can hold on to, illuminate the shadows on my path, revealing the silhouettes of the dreams I must dream, dreams the sun will always incinerate in its rise...

Until I find the soft moonlight that twines desires, dreams and hopes into a cloth I can mold, into a canvas which will hold my blood and tears until they dry, into the chains with which to bind myself to this ocean's bottom where my dreams are always within reach, where I can give my all without fear of the sun vanishing that which I fight for, where I can come out of this shell, let go of my screen and look into the darkness I embraced, look into the lantern-light I used as guide in the dreary landscape that is my soul... Until I find the chains to sink once more into the ocean of peace I embrace, into the ocean of darkness I hide my scars, my burns with, into the ocean of death I draw from to create life at its maximum, I will be buoying on this nothingness, exposed to the searing sun, yearning for the soft moonlight to come back and cover me, yearning for the sweet meanings to make Death not a goal, but the end of a worthy life.

I sink into my own chaos, because I lost the chains that bound me to the shore and in this whirlpool the rising wind, the warming sun, the breaking spell has cast upon my ocean of peace, ocean into which I swum all the time, ocean in which I felt at peace, ocean without life, ocean without waves, ocean inhabited by nightmares, corpses and whipping vines of dread, painful visages of a fear I once let go of... Until I can cast the eternal darkness upon my ocean, until I can bring the moon, full, shining, back to the zenith of this once cloudy and dark sky, until I can raze this blooming land, return it to its barren ashes, until I can eradicate all these wild beasts, bring back the quiet loneliness of death, the beautiful loneliness, the non-existent life, the dead trees, rotting corpses, and looming mountains that now lay flat, no longer a barrier between my soul and the world, but a path between them... Until I can return my soul to its original state, and return to the dreary place I call home, where my dreams and nightmares co-exist, where nothing but the most still silence can be found, where nothing but I walk, not alive, but not dead either, until I can return to my safe haven, my heaven, I'll be stuck with this nightmare. I can swim, I can hold on, but only for so much, and unless I find the binds I need, the tethers which bind this cursed place together, creating the peaceful death I feed upon, giving me full control of my soul, no longer buoying on the ocean, but at its bottom, where I have to be, where I MUST be, where I can exist without fear and sadness, where I can shift into gear without fearing my demons will break free...

To those of you who'll read this (I don't expect many people to actually do...) I'm talking in my own language, I'm talking truthfully, I'm talking, and saying, what I want. I don't want to die, nor do I want to live, I just want my life to have meaning. I'm not asking for endless life, I'm not asking for a swift death, I'm not asking for anything but a reason to go on...

To oneself be true. I live by this rule, and this rule dictates that if I no longer have anything to fight for, I let go of everything I've been doing for whatever I was fighting for. This rule is vital, it's the only thing in my life I can trust, and it's the only reason I'm still alive. I know my depiction of heaven seems off to most, if not all, of you, but my vital rule dictates that I be honest disregarding any rejection I might receive from others. Heaven is to everyone what they make it to be, my heaven is what you know as 'lonely hell'. MY HEAVEN is full of the only thing no one can understand I need: Peace.

It's easy to disregard anything as a moment's impulse when you're a Borderline, but not all Borderlines are the same, and this particular Borderline is not about to let go of his life, his reasons and the only thing that has never failed him: his faith in this Heaven of which he speaks.

A poem now... ^_^

"Reasons of danger cross this bloated heart
In rage, in anger, in despair I see you
To blame on the weak the reasons of a nightmare
To be like you when you leave me in darkness
Is it fair to play shadow when you’re not?
To be among the hungry, swollen with food?
Sit among the hopeless as you hope?
Or perhaps listen to music when everything’s dark?
Is it fair to live, to push forth as you face others?
Is it fair to smile in other’s sadness?
Would it be wrong to answer unasked questions?
In my darkness, I see you, Light
In this sadness, you dare smile
Smile at me, at my fake smile
Smile at the tear my face runs
Wreaking havoc upon the stone soul
Endangering with madness the poor maniac
As you call forth a shade that will lead to nowhere
As you hurry your time having your place
As you stab your healthy heart, facing the dead
In the darkness I can see you
Searing my skin with your anger
Oh sun where did you come from?
Are you here to slap my failures on me again?
Were you sent to torture me?
Please, searing sun, take away your rays
Leave this soul to sink into the darkness it was born for
Leave this wanderer to dread his early demise
Leave this tortured body to its final rest
Oh sun why are you here?
Is it my destiny to face you forever?
Please, oh please, let me fall
The thread cut has been, to let go
The grinder below waits for its last meal
As I fall into darkness, sink into sadness
Go back to my true essence, spread my wings
Oh searing blue sun, let this opal angel sink
The darkness my wounds heals
Shadows my company provide
The silence I must sink into
To heal, to live, to become myself
You have taken my most precious shards, now go
Go and never return, searing light
No more darkness can I produce, doomed I am
No more shadows can I create, my art fallen has
Because you entered, I learnt to smile
Because you supported, I let go of my art
Now that it must come back, I am hurt
Hurt by its negative, come back will it not
Hurt by my innocence, trust the blade did this soul
Soul that now waits for its helper, itself
Soul that lost its shine
Soul that must now covet its art
Soul that must now harvest inspiration
From the Dead Sea, a sea of dirt
From the night glade, prairie of sand
From the fountains of pride, death
From the fountains of knowledge, death
From itself, death…

The Harvester…"

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

What I've been up to?

I've been up to a lot... >.> Of homework that is... -_-;;; now I'm bored to death 'cuz I can't edit some stuff I REALLY need to edit >.>...

Other than that, and my boss being totally easy on me lately, I can't complain xD.

When Will I add some of my randomness to this deserted place? When will time stop...?

Why am I writing this? 'Cuz I want/can/am doing it for the sake of doing it.

:3 love you all, even if you hate me 'cuz I'm whatever it is that you hate xD

I will be reborn as the wolf, meanwhile, let the cuddly bear stay in the lodge granny ^__^...

Saturday, July 25, 2009

What I've been up to

Well... I've been BUSY as hell... and irritable, and started treatment (finally) and I'm ok, so I guess it's alright... xD

Here's a litte piece of artwork for those of you who consider yourselves fan of amateur, bad taste, uber-awkward art... ^__^

And for the critics, I do enjoy it, so don't bother me plz... ^__^
Luck dears, and hope you don't get on this wolf's bad side >.>;

Friday, June 19, 2009

日本語 - Japanese!

I've been learning Japanese since April ^__^. No, not with a proper teacher, but with My Japanese Coach, the DS game... YES, it works. ¬¬

So, many of you will be wondering, HOW MUCH Japanese can someone learn on his own... Well, with my current keyboard layout, which helps me with Kanji issues, and my basic-moderate management of both Kanji and Kana, I think it can be considered as quite a lot... ^__^


Basically, there I said: I don't speak much Japanese, but I can understand some, and read some, too. ^__^ And as little Japanese as it is, I enjoy it xD.

Bear with me, I tend to shift into some weird stuff from time to time... By the way, for those who are fluent in Japanese, I still don't really know how to make some sentences/use some verbs, I'd be rather happy if someone could give me a hand... ^__^ THANKS!

Now, to the less interesting things: I restarted Meds... well, Therapy ^__^. I was diagnosed with BPD about 2 years ago, and since then, I've been on and off on treatment mainly because my parents didn't comprehend the disorder... I got my dad to buy me Borderline Personality Disorder Demystified by Dr. Robert O. Friedel, and he read a little into the book and understood why I made him buy it... ^__^ Now I'm back in treatment, and although slowly, I am recovering control of my life. Good, ne? The best part is, this time, I can't drop out of therapy, because Dad's the one who has the last word when it comes to us, and even though Mom doesn't want to admit my disorder, she can't get me out of treatment this time ^__^. YAY For dad!

And the last note: I don't understand (still) what the hell happened between me and my best friend, but I hope it is fixed soon... Meanwhile, no Emood on my Blog for a while... hopefully xD.

Saturday, May 30, 2009

A song of Songs

So... Think you're smart enough to crack this wolf...? ^__^ I thought as much... Here's a new poem, right off the oven and into the flames... Love you all ^__^

"In a perfect world, together falling

Our simple plans our demise becoming

Our dreams, a painful, bleeding wound

That makes you think it’s to die for

Emotional regression, wounds deep, wide open

Phantoms of such an Eden

In its own demise actor

Of light, of rain actor

Arctic melody to the full moon

Ever graying its day, its fun

A victim, prisoner of insanity

Freedom, with wings broken

My skin breaches, like crystal breaks

Directions lost in a grey landscape

Nameless plain roads, goals

Atrophy, uselessness of this heart

Red my blood as it stains this contraption

My thoughts scare each other

As cats and mice they act

A miracle’s gone missing

I stare into your light

Thrice hurt you with these desires

To see into your heart

A farewell, my princess

For now thee I grant

But know, remember me

Memory never be taken away

For this love I feel

For the pain I caused

I fade from this sorrow

I apologize…

A song of lament."

There it is... Enjoy it. ^__^ I might post a second poem by next weekend... Stay tuned... If there is anyone who cares...